I miss those days when everything seems so meaningful no matter how small they are. Like hearing my alarm clock ring in the morning no matter how tired I am or how short my sleep is, coming home and sleeping on my own bed after weeks of not being able to, sharing a cup of coffee with my friends after an exam, having a me-time slash study-time every Sunday whenever I cannot come home. Honestly, they used to be nothing of importance to me before, but now? I’d probably trade anything just so I could bring those days back. Because I’m tired being this empty. I’m tired pretending I’m living a life when in reality, I’m nothing more than a lifeless corpse. I need to live a life worth living again, if only I have any idea how.

Two days ago, I met with two of my high school friends. It has been quite a while since we last saw each other, and I felt really ecstatic to see them again. It was a little awkward initially, but it didn’t take long for me to get over that feeling, and soon enough, it was like we were back in the four corners of our old classroom, chatting endlessly. They were surprised to know that I stopped school and that I have plans of going abroad. They both told me how lucky I am to be given that opportunity, and they jokingly asked me if we could switch places. If they only knew how it really is to be in my situation, they’d definitely think twice asking me that.

Anyway, I got home around 8-ish, and likewise, my mom and my brother just got home from Manila. My mom had her check-up with her nephrologist. She’s been diagnosed with hematuria (blood in urine) and proteinuria (protein in urine) before, and it is still a mystery on what’s causing this. So her doctor suggested a renal biopsy which will be performed on Monday. She needs to be confined in the hospital for a few days, and it’s my brother and I who will accompany her. Though it is just a diagnostic test and not a major operation, I cannot help but worry. She’s been through a lot of things already when she’s undergone total hysterectomy last August, and I just wish she doesn’t need to go through another operation again. I’m hoping against all hope that the result will be good, because honestly, I don’t know what to do and how take it if things will turn out differently.

I have been trying so hard these past few days (weeks, actually) to write a decent text post, but I cannot seem to find the right words that would suffice as description on how everything has been. How I wish things are that easy to explain, so I don’t really have to think at all. But from the very start, things have always been complicated, and sadly, words are failing me.

I’m not a conversationalist, nor do I have the habit of disclosing to people what I’m doing every time. I also have very poor communication skills. Nevertheless, I still made a twitter account yesterday. I honestly don’t know if I made the right decision. One of my friends kept asking me nonstop to create an account, and I only relented because I needed a distraction and I thought it would be nice to talk to people again and reconnect with them. But who knows how long will this account last and how long will it keep me distracted. I guess I’ll just have to wait if it’s really worth my time.

It’s reeling how one’s emotion could skyrocket to being ecstatic then suddenly plummet to feeling dismal and hollow in just a matter of minutes. And just because of a conversation. A stupid conversation that is.

But if there’s anything I have gained from that conversation, it’s the realization that things have definitely changed in the past few months. And clearly, it is stupid of me to think otherwise and that everything’s still the same. I guess it still hasn’t sink into me that I no longer live five minutes away from school, and that I have given up everything when I decided to no longer continue to second semester.

But I do and fully comprehend that now. I just wish the aftermath of my decisions before were that easy to accept now and that I was given a warning on how painful the process will be or a handbook perhaps, on how to let go some of the most important things in life.